I was in Poland trying to reach you when I got a call that would change our lives forever. Confusion and disbelief filled my soul. Your sister, with her own pain, and your stepdad tried their best to hold me and show me support. Anxiety and stress took over for the next 48 hours. I arrived home late to find your dad, your brother and a few of my close friends waiting for me. Your dad and your brother had this look on their faces that I cannot describe. The pain in their eyes was real.  I was in shock, numb and confused, and I'm still in disbelief, a disbelief that followed me for months. I prepared your funeral feeling very distant. I felt like I was preparing this funeral for someone else, including the funeral home, pictures, videos of you singing, flowers, even picking out what you would wear. I felt so overwhelmed. Everything was too confusing and too painful.

I remember the day when they told me you were ready for me to see you privately. I saw you at the end of that room lying in that coffin. It was the first time that I saw you since the last time we had dinner only a few days ago, when you gave me a huge hug. As I entered into that big room, I could see you all the way in the back. I ran as fast as I could and hugged you as strong as I possibly could. You looked so pale, and you were very cold. I did not care. I just kissed you so many times and hugged you as long as I could.  I cried so hard, screamed, and fell down on my knees. 

At the anniversary of the first month of your passing, I organized a big gathering at home with your friends, my friends, and family. We all let white balloons go up in the sky. We all honored your life, and I had the opportunity to thank everyone for their support and love.

It has been five months, son. I still remember that call when the police told me you had died. Since then, I have been trying to adapt to this new life. I have done a grief therapy program, I have traveled a lot and I have tried to get close to God, but nothing really helped. My therapist thinks that I travel so I won't think about you. Maybe she is right. I just try to make it every day and be productive. I have my good days and my bad days.

I have a place in my office where I keep your ashes and some of your belongings. I go up there often and sit in a chair and talk to you. When I get sad and feel like I can no longer deal with this terrible loss, I think of you and know that you would want me to keep going on with my life and try to be okay. It has not been easy, but I have decided that your death is not going to define your siblings' lives or mine.  I know that eventually I will learn to live this new life without you.

I want to believe in eternity and that one day we will see each other again, and that day, I will feel complete again.