MOTHER’S DAY WITHOUT MY SON

 

I am feeling the pressing ache in my heart more and more with each passing day. Mother’s Day used to be a such a day celebration, but anymore.

This is my second Mother’s Day without my son, and the pain has grown increasingly worse with each passing day. I keep saying that this is just another day, but that’s a lie. This Is Mother’s Day, a day that is supposed to be celebrated. Instead, I’m facing it with a brokenness that is unable to be fixed.

I don’t even know how to go through Mother’s Day this day. Nothing seems to fit the agenda for a mother whose kid has died. I am tired of trying to convince myself that’s going to be okay. I’m tired of putting on a happy face during times when my heart is throbbing so bad that it feels like it’s going to explode inside of my chest. I’m just plain tired of the thought of facing one more day that should be happy without my son.

So, what am I going to do? Last year, without Nick, I stumbled my way through the day. I was in a thick fog and didn’t feel much of anything. Just as a zombie-like. I really didn’t care. But this year?

But this year is different. Why? Because my grief is real. It has been 424 days since Nick died. It has been 422 days since I heard Nick’s voice. It has been 424 days since death became part of my life, and I

hate it. I hate this feeling of emptiness. I hate this feeling of being incomplete. I hate knowing that my other children lost a brother.

 

I hate everything about child loss.

I haven’t figured out how Mother’s Day will play out this year. I ‘m not sure I’ll feel like being around people. Grief is no unpredictable that there is no sense of making plans. How do I know how bad my heart will be hurting that day? The only thing I know with certainty is my heart is broken and there is no super glue that can fix this kind of brokenness.

I do know one thing, though. On Mother’s Day I will feel pain but what else is new. I love being a mother, and since my older son is gone, I don’t feel complete. I ‘ll never feel complete.

People say that with time pain fades. Maybe I just haven’t had enough time without my son yet for the pain to fade. Maybe next Mother’s Day the pain won’t be squeezing in on me from every side.

Nothing is ever certain except the love for my son.

A mother’s love never changes. I will love my son today the same way I did yesterday. I will hold him close to me even through death. I will tell him how much I love him and how proud I am of him. I will tell him how thankful I am that he Is my son. I will tell him how blessed I was to have him on earth with me for 27 years and 4 months.

I will say “I love you” a thousand times and more. I am a mother. Yes, that’s what I will do on Mother’s Day. I will pull memories of my son close to my heart and hold him there forever and ever and ever.

That’s exactly what I will do.