“I lost my son unexpectedly. I’m trying my best to articulate how grief has changed me. It seems like a lot of people can relate to what I’m saying, and I wanted to share it with you.

Grief changes you; there is a line drawn in the sand of who you were, and who you have become. It’s a feeling of loneliness while in a room full of people. It’s overthinking and over analyzing every detail in your life. It’s trying to be thankful for your blessings, while feeling fixated on the loss. It’s feeling regret and remorse, even though you couldn’t have changed the outcome. It’s being lost in your thoughts, while trying to be active in the day-to-day conversations. It’s a feeling of anxiety and constant worry. It’s suffering from insomnia because there’s just something about the night that draws your heart to that person. It interrupts your good days and brings tears to your eyes when you least expect it. It’s unpredictable and mentally exhausting. I truly never knew there were so many elements of grief. It’s a tough reality to know you have to live with a broken heart. Time can be harsh. You want to rewind it and relive it, but it keeps moving forward. Yet somehow through the grief, you love that person more now than before. After all, grief is just love that has nowhere to go.

I have experienced loss before. I lost my Grandparents and my Godfather, whom I adored. I lost both of my in-laws. They were sick and old. I have lost pets and friends as well. Losing you, son, so suddenly, was shocking and confusing. 

Soon after you passed, I started reading different books about grief. I needed to understand if my feelings and emotions were normal. I was so mad and sad at the same time. I learned that grief is different for everyone. Each person grieves differently. How long and how strong we grieve depends on many factors.

I learned that unfinished issues between the person that died and the person that experiences the loss has a lot to do with how long or in what way we grieve.

There is not a time or an end for grief. Grief changes with time. We get used to the feeling of loss. Grief is the response to loss. Grief is not only an emotional response; grief has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions as well.

The loss of a child has to be the worse trauma a human being can experience. Your death, son, has changed my life forever. I feel responsible for all of my children's well-being. I feel that not only have I lost one of the people that I love the most, but I lost all the years of promise I had looked forward to.

Your sudden and early departure has brought me and our family different and ongoing challenges. 

I understand now, why I feel so sick at times. I know now that my lack of sleep and my anxiety attacks are all related to my grief.  As a Psychologist, I used to believe that grief has stages. Now I know this is not true. Grief comes in waves, and we all experience this in a personal way. Grief has no expiration. Grief is personal and individual, and every person experiences its nuances differently. 

I also learned that we all need help through our grieving process.  There are no rules, no timetables and no linear progression. Some people feel better after a few months, while for others it may take years. I have learned to treat myself with compassion and allow this process to unfold.

I know I will never get over my loss, but I also know I will survive.

We live in a culture where we don't like to deal with loss. We would rather hide our feelings and pretend to be okay. We feel that crying is a sign of weakness. We feel like we are being a burden at times. I know now that I can take as long as I need to grieve, that it is alright to cry, that I should speak about you anytime I want.

You and I had no unfinished business. You knew how big and unconditional my love for you was. I feel at peace because we had a close and very healthy relationship.

I also understand now that I do not need to answer to nosey people. That I don't need to be nice to people that say hurtful things to me.

I will honor your life doing the things I know how to do best. I will be the mother you knew me to be. I will grieve yes, but I will grieve because I understand it is the only way I will get better one day.

You, my dear son, were one of my biggest treasures. I have beautiful memories of you. I embrace those almost twenty-eight years I had with you. I will continue to think of you every day, all the time, because my memories of you are all I have left. My love for you will always be here. The day that you died, a huge part of my heart went with you, but this part that was left here has to keep beating. I miss you so much!!