I lost my faith

I haven't been to church since you passed. I went for Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Recently, I bought a Bible. I haven't opened it yet. I don't feel I am ready. I do believe in God. I used to go to church every Sunday and pray every evening. My only prayer was for my children to be safe. I asked God to give me any sickness you would get but to make sure my children were healthy and safe. I feel that He failed me.

I believe that He allowed for this to happen to you. I have always thanked Him for anything good that He did. To me, He was in control all the time. I feel that if what I believed was the truth, then your death was also under His control. I am mad and disappointed in Him. I hope that one day I will accept His wishes and that I will trust Him again to be a good and kind God.  I am not there yet. 

My family and a few friends keep talking to me about eternity, reincarnation, and God. I wish they would stop because all these comments make me even more upset. I know all of them want to help me, but right now none of this makes me feel good. The right time will come one day, but until then, all I ask is for their prayers and unconditional support. I don't need any judgments. I only need everyone to respect my grief and my timing.